The gift of my mom
By Kari Schulte
“Your mom has dementia.”
My heart sunk. I sat expressionless, trying to be strong for my mom. I wasn’t surprised. We were already three years in on a journey of confusion and difficulty with everyday tasks.
I guess I just didn’t want to know, or as my husband Rich calls it “Team Ostrich.”
I was filled with questions. How do we figure out the best treatment for her? How do I tell her she can’t drive anymore? Where do I start to find a safe place for her to live, not to mention cleaning out the home she’s lived in for 26 years?
What about her finances? How will I handle this gracefully, so I don’t upset her? And how am I physically and mentally going to do all of this?
I was so scared — for both of us.
Taking care of mom
We went to the car and I attempted to gently recap the conversation we had just had with the doctor. She had already forgotten the diagnosis.
I told her she couldn’t drive anymore and the doctor recommended we start looking for a safe place for her to live. I tried to discuss it with an “everything’s gonna be alright,” “we’ve got this” attitude.
The conversation was so sad, and we sat in the car and cried. This was one of those times when I needed my mom, but now she needed me more.
Kari and her mom.
My mom had lived by herself for 29 years after she and my dad divorced. She was independent, always helping others and extremely social. She wasn’t overly religious, but we had always attended church, and my sister and I were baptized and confirmed. We prayed before dinner and at bedtime.
I always felt that my mom really went to church to socialize and see who was there. I am thankful that my parents raised me in a Christian household and I have known God my entire life.
I powered ahead with all the faith I could muster up. I prayed to God to stop the progression, and knowing that He is the great healer, I asked Him to heal my mom. It was a stretch, but I know God wants us to ask, and knew it was worth asking.
Accepting my role as caregiver
I now had a new identity; I was a caregiver. This wasn’t the “job” I wanted, but my mom was an only child with little family, and my sister lives out of state, so I left a job I enjoyed to take care of the woman who had always been there for me.
I was full of anger and frustration. I was overwhelmed and exhausted. I was conflicted about spending so much time with my mom and not my own family. And I was sad. So sad that my mom was slipping away.
I tried to educate myself about dementia and Alzheimer’s disease; I read books and attended seminars and support groups. I talked to anyone I could find who had experience with Alzheimer’s to help me understand the disease and where we were headed.
With that knowledge, I actually began to feel empowered to handle my new role!
I now how so many new titles… banker, financial advisor, attorney, medical advisor, real estate agent, chauffeur, entertainment director, chef, cleaning lady, pharmacist, and more. Talk about on-the-job training!
I think I learned more in 1 1/2 years than any corporate training program!
A year to remember
In January of 2018 we moved my mom to independent living in a senior living community.
In 2018 ended up being quite a year. Two weeks before we moved my mom, my husband was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson’s at age 54. We took time to sort through this and make some plans, including the decision to downsize to a handicap accessible home. In March I sold my mom’s home.
And in May our daughter graduated from college and got a job as a Hotdogger for Oscar Mayer, driving the Wienermobile around the country for a year. Thank you, God, for the joy you give in the middle of a storm.
“At one point she did say “I’m so glad I know that you’re my daughter, I’ve always liked you.” ”
Six months after we moved my mom, I realized her memory loss was progressing and that she needed to be in assisted living. As we were preparing to move out of the house that we had raised our family in for 21 years, the thought of moving us, and my mom again, was daunting. This created a lot of stress, which brought on health issues of my own, in the form of extremely high blood pressure.
I knew that God was telling me to slow down and take care of myself. I sought out ways to reduce my stress. And I prayed. And I had faith. In October we moved into our new home, and 5 days later my maternal step-grandmother (my mom’s stepmom) passed away. I dreaded the trip to Minnesota with my mom for the funeral, but knew I needed to do it.
The 48 hours with her were heart wrenching. Most of the time she thought I was her cousin and could not believe I was her daughter. We shed many tears. At one point she did say “I’m so glad I know that you’re my daughter, I’ve always liked you.”
Thank you God, for humor.
The year continued, and in November I tore my meniscus running the Turkey Trot. Don’t ask. In December we moved my mom to assisted living and I had my meniscus repaired the same week. Since then, my mom has slowly settled in, but continues to make it quite clear that she will not be staying there. I know she is safe, and where she needs to be.
God’s faithfulness through the storm
Kari’s mom wrote in a card, “you are my gift!”
So, where is the resolution in this story? As far as my mom’s health goes, there probably isn’t any. And I’m still a fairly stressed out mess. But you know what…we’re still standing!
Three years ago I didn’t think there was any way I could handle the role of Caregiver, but looking back now I see that God has been in all the details.
He has faithfully showed up when we need him. He shows up in my mom’s awesome sense of humor. He shows up when my mom tells me a detailed story about her youth (for the 80th time). He reminds me that she’s still there.
She may not remember things from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, but God is reminding me that she lives in the NOW, which reminds me how I should live. Live in the now.
God’s unconditional love has shown up in so many people that he has put in my path to help me…friends, strangers, physicians, counselors, my Tuesday bible study gals, my couples small group, my mom’s friends, relatives, my dad, my sister, my kids, and my husband.
I have friends who say “I don’t know how you do it.”
You know what? I don’t either, but I do know now that this is all in God’s hands.
Oh, He has definitely come close to giving me more than I can handle, but I have never questioned Him or asked why.
The gift of my mother
For my birthday this year, Rich and I picked my mom up and met my dad to celebrate. My mom didn’t really remember it was my birthday leading up to that day, but she handed me a card during dinner.
On the inside she wrote “You are a very special daughter. I love you so much. Thank you God for giving me Kari. Mom”
Kari’s mom wrote, “You are a very special daughter. I love you SO much. Thank you, God for giving me Kari. Mom.”
I was overwhelmed. My mom wasn’t talking to me -- she was talking to God. The lady who I thought only went to church to socialize was talking to God!
She was thanking Him for the gift He gave her 56 years ago. Me!
There may be days when I think I can’t go on as a caregiver, and then God shows up in His perfect timing.
My mom’s memory is still deteriorating. We recently moved her to memory care, but despite the decline, I believe God will answer my request for healing – when we meet again in heaven.
Until then, I thank God for the gift He has given me. The privilege of taking care of my mom.